World to end on December 31st, according to Gregorian calender

KANSAS CITY, MO. Scientists have predicted that December 31^st, 2012 will be the last day of humanity, as the Gregorian Calender ends on this date. “After looking at Andrews McMeel Printing Company's Cats We Love 2012 deluxe wall calender, we are able to determine that the publishing company predicted the world will end on December” said Dr. Richard Lormrow “There are no more pages of cute, cuddly cats after December, the calender simply ends for no reason” he added. This news doesn't come as a surprise to everybody, with some claiming they knew about this Apocalypse for many months now. “I noticed that the Gregorian calender ends in December when my sister Donna gave me a cat calender for Christmas, but I didn't really think too much of it until other people stated talking about how the Gregorians predicted the world would end on December 31^st and it got me concerned. Now its all I think about” said Mary Wittingsworth. Some concerned citizens have already started planning for the certain Apocalypse, doing such things as stockpiling good, not making any long term plans just going all out apeshit crazy. Police all over the country have already reported that the amount people causing crimes for stupid 'why not' has rose 16% since the doomsday announcement. “The other day a man threw a brick through a church window because 'it wont matter when the world ends in a few days' and church is 'boring as fuck'” said Kansas City police officer Tony Hermenez. Another case occurred in Bowling Green, KY when a man bought a hooker, blindfolded her, spun her around to make her dizzy and disoriented, then left her across state lines in Clarksville 'just for shits and giggles'. “It was so funny! She was so confused and she had no idea where she was. I've always wanted to do something like that and with the world ending on December 31^st, it doesn't matter what I do anymore” said Kyle Harrowfield. A few people have gone as far as to throw out end of the world theories, most saying the calender also ended on December 31^st 2011, but nothing ever occurred.  

News Bits: Week of 11/08

High School student eats first Lunchable since 4^th grade.

RUTLAND, VT. Katie Drathkin, a senior at Rutland High School, just ate a Lunchable for the first time in eight years, her Facebook reports. “Just ate my first lunchable since like the 4th grade! :P” Drathkin said earlier today. Most of her friends were startled by hearing this. “Lunchables were invented many years after the Vietnam War ended” said Larson Kessler, a friend of Drathkin. It is unknown when Drathkin will consume another lunchable, but sources say it will likely be in 4-6 more years.

Man with frequent customer card asked if he's been here before
FRESNO, CA. Eric Amsten, a Fresno area furniture salesman, was asked if he had ever been to get a sub at Downtown Ned's Tasty Subs, after he was presented his punch card which contained 7 punches, only 5 away from a free deluxe combo meal. “Have you ever eaten our subs before?” saked Ashley McMurry, the person who made the turkey sub after Amsten made his purchase. “I'm not sure if she saw my punch card or not, but she wasn't making anybody else a sub, so I'm sure she had a good chance to see the punch card” said Amsten. Amsten answed “Yes, I have been here before” then left the shop with a confused look on his face.



Pacific Coast states renamed “Democrat Belt”
WEST COAST, USA. After the 2012 Presidential election, the West Coast states, including California, Oregon, and Washington have been renamed the Democrat Belt by locals. “I voted for Obama since he has no money and Romney has a lot” said Madison Kelly, a liberal from California who voted for the first time on Nov. 6^th. Residents from all three states are in favor of the name change saying it well help identify their part of the country. “This ought to keep those nasty, rich, successful Republicans out of here” said Kenny Lancaster, an Obama supporter from Washington. After seeing this change, the states of Wisconsin  Iowa, South Dakota and Nebraska are planning on calling themselves the Casserole Belt.

Area Man's Unfriending Spree Leaves None Devistated.

SPRINGFIELD, MA. Local Springfield resident Terry Greenshire (26) recently went on an unfriending spree on Facebook that left none of his 'friends' devastated  Greenshire decided the unfriending spree was necessary last week after seeing a few game achievement posts from people he really doesn't know at all. “Half the people on my friends list I dont even remember ever knowing” Greenshire said “If I'm not a real friend with you, why should I be a Facebook friend” he added. All of the people he was friends with before the unfriending spree were not hurt at all; most barly knew who Greenshire was. “Terry Greenshire?” Kelly Norman asked “Oh, I think I know him. We were in 4^th grade together, One day it was snowing and this kids sock got soaking wet and cold, so he took it off and smacked Terry in the face with it. He [Greenshire] started crying like a girl” Norman added. Greenshire unfriended Norman saying she was kind of a bitch and that she never talks to him anymore. Another victim of the unfriending spree was Ted Nacy, a person who Greenshire only knew through work.”He was the I.T. Guy for a month at the place I work at. He got fired after the manager caught him stealing keyboards” Greenshire said “He sent me a friend request after he got fired and I felt bad for him since he only had 6 Facebook friends, and two of them had their profile pictures of dogs.” he added. A Facebook post was made while the unfriending spree was in progress, but no one commented or liked the status.

Every generation except mine sucks

Every generation except mine sucks

By: Herbert Ledbetter

The 133 year-old man.

People these days don't know diddly squat about anything. Take it from me, I'm 133 years old and society sucks now.

When I was growing up people knew how to get stuff done. When I was just 4 years-old, my family became the first family in Morristown, Indiana to have a telegraph, and we knew how to use it. I was able to walk when I was 9 months old and I could use the telegraph like a pro right after we got it. I like to think that I was really smart as a child, but now that I think about it, every child in my day was smart, unlike today's kids who go to sub-standard school and listen to music by Justice Beaver, Katy Pear and that Gal that wants to be called Maybe. It doesn't help that our leadership cant find their own penny farthing. This President Barrek O-Mama seems like a nice guy, but I've heard of his little plan to make sure everybody has a telephone in their bedroom. That's just plain numskullery. The bedroom is for sleeping and never anything else.

Kids are way too spoiled for their own good. I walked through the general store and there were about 50 different kinds of gum! That's crazy! I was in my twenties when the first chewing gum came out. Before gum was invented, we would chew on tree bark. I remember it well . . . going outside on a warm spring day, ripping a strip of bark off the old maple tree and chewing on it for more than 5 hours! Now that is living. Yep, the way I grew up was the only way to be raised and I feel sorry for people who were raised in any other time either before or after me since they never got to experience life they way it was meant to be experienced, my way, the right way.

Police Beat - Week of 9/21

ELKO, NV. Man (29) arrested after calling 911 over 120 times to report the findings on his home weather station.

PINE BLUFF, AR. Woman in her mid 50's arrested for standing on a highway bridge and attempting to act out scenes from Vaudeville acts with passersby and then trying to push them off the bridge if they say no.

LARADO, TX. Man (51) pooped in a squad car after being arrested for pooping in public, he claims that he hadn't finished his 'business' when the police arrested him.

BRICKTOWN, NJ Man (48) tried to pay a dog wearing a skirt to have sex with him. He says the dog was dressed like a prostitute.

Percentage of Politicians lying to people

Parents Give Child Normal Name

UTICA, NY. Jean and Arnold Brownson just gave birth to a baby boy last Tuesday named John, that’s right, the Brownsons gave their child a normal name, the first reported case of this in over 4 years. With names like Brooklyn, Payton, Zoey, Bentley, and the ever horrible McKenna gaining in popularity, it's becoming harder to find normal names given to children. “We {my husband and I} thought that John was a nice name, and a name that you don’t hear very much anymore so we wanted our child to have a nice name” said Jean Brownson “We want our kid to not hate us in the future for the name we gave him” she added. Many friends of the Brownsons are critical of their choice, calling it lackluster and just downright boring. “John is a stupid name” said Lauri Norcomb, who has a three year old son named Nixon “I just think that parents should be adventurous and come up with fun names” added Norcomb, after giving Nixon her phone to play with. With some friends on the defense about normal names, a few neighbors have been pretty vocal about how nice it is for a change. The Brownsons were talking to there elderly neighbor about the name the other day, and she was very happy to hear about the normal name, “I'm glad that some people are still coming up with normal names. My daughter just had a baby boy the other day and she named him Rain; what kind of name is that? Rain is something that falls from the sky, it ain’t no person's name” said Vi Bennett, a neighbor of the Brownsons. The Brownsons have said they did consider other names ahead of time such as Richard or Jeremy, but thought John would be a nice name that the kid wont hate for the rest of his life.

U.S. complaints, by state

News bits: week starting 8/16

Country musician writes song about love

CHEYANNE, WY. Local country singer Myron Billings wrote and sang a country song about a woman. “I had my heart broken by a woman about a year ago, so I wanted to be unique and write a country song about it” said Billings. This is the first time that a country song was written about a woman since most are written about long summer days and honey badgers. Billings also has written a unique song about working hard.

Time away from Family spent bitching about family

COOS BAY, OR. Local resident Derek Winton (19) complains about his family way too much when he isnt around them, his friends report. “He bitches about how his Dad tells stupid jokes and how his younger Brother always leaves his bike halfway in the garage, ensuring the door always closes on it” says Wintons best friend Timothy Haffner (20) “I get really sick of hearing him bitch about it all the time” Haffner added. Winton reportedly tries to get away from his “pain-in-the-ass” family whenever possible but since his friends don't want to be around him when he bitches, it has become very difficult.

Woman checks weather on smart phone while the weather report is on the news

SAGINAW, MI. Margie Westbrook (41), a stay at home Mom, reportedly checked the radar on her new I Phone at the same time that WNEM-TV weather reporter Lauren Fahrenkrug was showing the live up-to-date weather map for the area. “I wanted to see if my sister up in Midland was getting any rain where she was at since it is dry as a bone here” said Westbrook. She was alereted to the fact the weather was on TV when her husband stated that Mt. Pleasent was getting a lot of lightening. Even after hearing this, Westbrook continued to look at her phone. As it turned out, her sister up in Midland wasn't getting any rain.

Area man loves Almond Joy, but hates Mounds

FLAGSTAFF, AZ. Local resident Josh Galaff (28) shocked his friends and co-workers when he told them he loves Almond Joy, but hates Mounds, a scenerio which is common the other way around. “I dont know, Almond Joy is just better” said Galaff. His friends discovered this when he asked one of them to pick up some Alomond Joy, but got mounds by accident. “I dont get it” said Mitch Nensam, a good friend of Galaff's “Mounds is a more basic verson of Almond Joy, how could you not like a verson that is more simple?” Nensam added. Galaff did reportedly eat one Mounds bar, but said he really didnt want one at all. 

Taco Bell introduces laxative

LOUISVILLE, KY. Taco Bell has just announced the newest item on its ever expanding menu, an over night laxative to get rid of the regular constipation usually brought on by their food. A box of 150 tablets of the new laxative sells for $5.99 at most stores. “We have been trying to address the concern our customers have about how our food reacts inside their digestion system, and we think the new laxatives handle the problem very well” said David Novac, CEO of Yum Brands, the parent company of Taco Bell. A select group of test markets have already gotten to experience the new selection, and so far the public reaction has been positive. Ocean to Ocean caught up to a few of the customers in front of a Taco Bell in Duquesne, Pennsylvania − one of the test markets − to get reactions to the new product. “Its really a time saver to buy some food than have something to solve the problem of it fucking up my digestive tract” said Rick Medford, 23 “Props to Taco Bell for being smart enough to introduce one stop eating” he added. Another customer had a completely different reaction to the laxative “Why does Taco Bell care? Sure, there food makes it hurt to shit for a week, but it isn’t any of there business weather I suffer or not” said Randy Yumek, 31. We tried to get a follow up statement from Yumek, but he immediately ran off to the restroom for an hour. Within one week of the product being available in the test market, sales have have been a success for the company. Responding to the laxative, McDonald’s has announced that it will begin adding Metamucil to all its drinks in the next month.

ABOVE: A 150 count box of Taco Bell's new laxative.

News Bits: Week of 8/7

Unemployment rises due to laziness

WASHINGTON, DC. The latest job report states that the unemployment rate has gone up again, this time due to people being too lazy to get jobs. “This is really depressing, there are plenty of jobs around, but people would rather sit at home and drink beer than work” said White House economic adviser Alan Krueger. “ I would work, but my Dad lets me live here rent free, and the TV networks keep making too many good shows” said Kevin Huntsfield, 43. People expected unemployment to go down in the summer when all the good shows go into reruns for a few months, but they weren't reruns to some people.

Coca-Cola™ introduces Coke™ with crack

ATLANTA, GA. Drink manufacturer Coca-Cola™ has introduced a version of their classic beverage with a hint of crack. Coke™ with crack is expected to hit test markets next month. “We think the new drink combines the great smooth taste of Coca-Cola™ with the rough body altering of crack” said a company spokesperson. People are excited about the new drink and expect to enjoy the great taste and power of crack all in one.

School is not “cool”

SEATTLE, WA. The results of a recent study show just what most expected; School isn’t as cool as many have previously thought. “For years, many have thought the phrase ‘School is Cool’ is true, but we now know that there are things much cooler” said Professor Knoll. The study says that things such as going to the mall and having relations with people are much cooler and should be done more than going to school.

Discussion about the DeLorean doesn't include Back to the Future reference.

BETTENDORF, IA. Employees at PlasTeck Plastics Company recently had watercooler discussion about the DeLorean sports car. What made this discussion unique is that nobody in the four person conversation mentioned that the DeLorean was used in the 1985 film Back to the Future, a commonly known fact that it always brought up in every single DeLorean discussion, even though everybody knows it. The exchange begun last week after Herb Maxwell, accounts receivable, mentioned that he saw a DeLorean last week while coming back from the grocery store. “It was going west on Maplecrest Rd., it was the first time I've seen one of those in years” said Maxwell. By this time, 3 more employees were standing around the watercooler, and a full-on discussion was happening. “My boyfriend had one back in College, it was a pretty fun car to ride around in. I wonder what ever happened to that car?” said Lana Shipman, sales assistant. After an additional 10 minutes of discussion about sports, weather, and the new guy in sales, the group split up and went back to work when the boss was spotted.

Everything at lunch declared a vegetable

ATCHISON, KS. Students at local High Schools can rest easy now knowing that everything they eat at school is officially classified as a vegetable. The Atchison County School Board brought this matter to attention at a school board meeting last week. More than half of all the people at the meeting were in favor of calling everything the school serves an edible plant. Congress has already made pizza a vegetable and according to Atchison Schools, so is cheese, hamburgers, Sun Chips, chocolate pudding and even the Styrofoam serving tray.  “This is a huge step forward for the future of America’s children. Knowing that double cheeseburgers are vegetables will make students want to eat more and cut back on the obesity problem, they can even gnaw on the Styrofoam tray guilt-free if they want. ” said Dennis Hellman, head of the school board. The students at the High Schools are all on board with the idea saying it is a great change. “I never really ate pudding too much, but now that it is a vegetable, I will start eating it more” said Katy Anderson, junior. A few of the students are being stubborn and are refusing to eat the new vegetables “The school is being really gay. Why do they care if I eat vegetables or not, they can blow it out their ass” said Trevor McLean, senior pot-head. According to teachers, they have already noticed a difference in the way students feel. They say that students are more energetic and eager to learn eating vegetables like chocolate cookies than they were eating junk food like chocolate cookies for lunch. “We feel like the better our students eat, the better our state test scores will be; this means more money for our school to use for new books and computers” said Karan Wineman, Principal at Atchison H.S. Other schools around the state are now expected to make the same change, and eventually so are schools across the country. The schools next step is to get tax write offs by declaring the rocks in the earth science class as holy religious tools.

Police Beat; 7-9-12

ALLENTOWN, PA. White male in mid to late 30's. Stealing Garden Gnomes and producing a Public Access show called “Garden Gnome Theatre”. No identity is known since nobody watches Public Access television

DAYTON, OH. 27 yr. Old male arrested for saying YOLO, than doing something he does a few times a month.

WACO, TX. Middle age woman charged with tax fraud after claiming her ceramic cats as well as her real cats as children on Income Tax.

GADSDEN, AL. Male, age 43 arrested for asking random women if they want to see some “fireworks” then pulling his pants down.

July 4th weather forecast

Politician is worst person in the world, according to other politician

CHARLESTON, SC. Todd Hughman (R-WV) is the worst politician and overall worst person in the whole wide world, according to his opponent, Chase Johnson (D-WV). Johnson claims that Hughman cant be trusted to be in the senate. “Todd Hughman has a record of mismanagement, he voted to raise taxes for the poor three times, is a member of a group to eliminate veterans benefits and just last week, he kicked a ladies dog because it was barking, this is the kind of person that shouldn't be in politics at all” said a recent Johnson campaign ad bashing Hughman “Chase Johnson was raised in a traditional family, has a traditional family, and traditional family values. He has never once kicked a dog or purposely farted on a baby in public” the ad continued with. Hughman was pretty hesitant to respond to the attacks, saying he doesn't want to get involved in dirty politics, but after learning that pretty much all politics are dirty, he released his own attack ad against Johnson “Johnson voted with Obama on healthcare and there was this one time at a bar in Myrtle Beach when he started hitting on a women who told him she was married, then there was a biker he didn't like so Johnson filled his gas tank with sugar”. Residents of South Carolina say that they don’t really care who wins as long as the stupid ads stop playing soon.

Hair Complement Forecast

Make sure your hair looks nice if you live in an area expecting lots of complements this week.

News bits: Week of 6/25

Did I pass up the mushrooms?

BOULDER, CO. ”Did I already pass up the mushrooms?” Jim Schneider asked himself this as he walked down aisle 3 at the local Supermarket. “I can’t remember if they are down this aisle or not and I hate to turn around and check again” he added. After 5 minutes, he asked somebody and learned that the mushrooms were indeed at the end of the aisle, causing him to turn around back the way he came. He did, however, have trouble later finding the orange juice concentrate.

Local student hates school

WORCHESTER, MA. Local 3rd Grader Aaron Hamilton shocked the school Tuesday when he announced he dislikes school. “I hate stupid school, I have to wake up early, the hallway smells bad, and Ms. Taylor gives way too much homework” he said. The school later said “It is horrible when a student would not like school, everybody loves coming to school”. Hamilton later –said that the one thing about school he does enjoy is recess.

Conan O’Brien supports Romney

CARROLTON, GA. Late night talk-show host Conan O’Brien has thrown his support behind Republican candidate Mitt Romney. “Mitt is a really swell person” said O’Brien. Upon learning about this, Romney had this to say “Shit! I am already losing to Obama, now this?” Romney has also threatened to pick Jeb Bush as a campaign partner if O’Brien doesn’t end his support “Conan, dude. Nobody likes you, you aren’t funny. Leave me alone or I’m telling on you.” Romney later said.

Can of whoop-ass about to be opened

BEREA, SC. A local dad Walter McMahon is about to open a can of whoop-ass on local resident Jimmy Edgewood (17)for kissing his step-daughter when he said not too. Caitlin Jenkins (17) invited Edgewood over to her house to watch TV and her dad eventually left to go to the store, but not before telling Edgewood to 'keep his hands' off Jenkins. “My Dad ran out of beer so he made a quick run to the Go-Mart and I figured it would be a little 'alone time' for me and Jimmy” said Jenkins in an interview “ I guess he forgot something so he headed back home and opened the front door when we were on the couch kissing” she added. McMahon reportedly stared yelling at Edgewood to stay away from his step-daughter, in which he responded by running out the back door toward the street without any shoes on. “Next time I see that boy, ima open a can of whoop-ass on him” McMahon said after Edgewood left the property. Jenkins stated that her dad bought 3 cans of whoop-ass last year when it went on sale at the store, and two of the can have already been used up. When asked about the three cans of whoop-ass, McMahon began to explain what the first two were used for, “I used up one when that no-good asshole next door kept letting his dogs shit on my grass and the other can was used just last week when the backhoe moron at the excavation company was diggin' a pool across the alley and he dropped a load of dirt on my ol' engine blocks sittin' out back. Man was I pissed, he definitely got his ass handed to him that day” People in the neighborhood also report that McMahon has quite the temper with people he doesn’t like. “That old boy Walter loves his step-daughter like nobody else, so it doesn’t surprise me that he will whoop somebody’s ass for her” said Judy Newman, a long time neighbor of McMahon and Jenkins for 8 years. At press time Edgewood was unable to be found by anyone.

(ABOVE) The Can of whoop-ass that is about to be opened.

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*this is really just a blog featuring satire news stories written by me, they are just for fun. Enjoy!