Everything at lunch declared a vegetable

ATCHISON, KS. Students at local High Schools can rest easy now knowing that everything they eat at school is officially classified as a vegetable. The Atchison County School Board brought this matter to attention at a school board meeting last week. More than half of all the people at the meeting were in favor of calling everything the school serves an edible plant. Congress has already made pizza a vegetable and according to Atchison Schools, so is cheese, hamburgers, Sun Chips, chocolate pudding and even the Styrofoam serving tray.  “This is a huge step forward for the future of America’s children. Knowing that double cheeseburgers are vegetables will make students want to eat more and cut back on the obesity problem, they can even gnaw on the Styrofoam tray guilt-free if they want. ” said Dennis Hellman, head of the school board. The students at the High Schools are all on board with the idea saying it is a great change. “I never really ate pudding too much, but now that it is a vegetable, I will start eating it more” said Katy Anderson, junior. A few of the students are being stubborn and are refusing to eat the new vegetables “The school is being really gay. Why do they care if I eat vegetables or not, they can blow it out their ass” said Trevor McLean, senior pot-head. According to teachers, they have already noticed a difference in the way students feel. They say that students are more energetic and eager to learn eating vegetables like chocolate cookies than they were eating junk food like chocolate cookies for lunch. “We feel like the better our students eat, the better our state test scores will be; this means more money for our school to use for new books and computers” said Karan Wineman, Principal at Atchison H.S. Other schools around the state are now expected to make the same change, and eventually so are schools across the country. The schools next step is to get tax write offs by declaring the rocks in the earth science class as holy religious tools.