TV listings: Week of 4/17

FOX

When Bleachers Collapse (MON. 10/9 PM CST.)

The Tulsa High School Massacre of 2005 and The Great Seattle collapse of 1997 are featured.

Family Dad (WED. 8/7 PM CST.)

A fat dad, pissy wife, nerdy son, hated daughter, talking infant, and non human friend are combined in a totally new way: Asian.

Game Show Network

Card Sharks (TUE. 7:30/6:30 AM CST.)

All hell breaks loose when a real shark is let in studio and eats the large deck of cards, kills a cameraman, and wipes out half of the studio audience.

Let’s Profile Ethnic People! (SAT. 9/8 PM CST.)

For $10,000: Does Pedro look Mexican or Costa Rican? Is Hans Norwegian or German?

The Weather Channel

Weather’s Funniest Bloopers (WED. 10/9 PM CST.)

A hail stone the size of a tennis ball hits a kid in the head and a Tornado catches a group of smoking secretaires off guard at lunch when it rips through McMurry Business Park.

Alaskan Road Construction (TUE. 8/7 PM CST.)

It has nothing to do with weather, it just shows people laying asphalt in Alaska.

TRU TV

Canadian Border Patrol (THU. 11/10 PM CST.)

Does that guy look like a border hopper, or is he just lost looking for the hardware store?

Fuck This Job and Fuck You! (MON. 11/10 PM CST.)

A Guy quits his job by kidnapping his boss and dropping him across an international border.  A woman drives her car through a cubicle to pick up her kitty calendar.

Indianapolis Community College Public Access.

Test Pattern (MON, TUE, SAT, most of the morning)

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEP.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEP.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEP.

Welcome to ICC! (the rest of the fucking time)

We offer many great student opportunities including clubs, transferable credits, and a state-of-the-art cafe.

Every Coleslaw Recipe Is The “Worlds Greatest”, Study Finds

KANSAS CITY, KS. Researchers at the University of Kansas food and consumption department recently conducted a study showing that every coleslaw recipe in existence is the ‘best damn’ coleslaw recipe ever. Researchers interviewed 2,500 people age 40-90 in small towns all across the Midwest and analyzed the recipes and talked to the recipe holder to find out if their coleslaw is the best. “Jan [Westwood] makes some pretty scrumptious coleslaw, but mine is the best in the world” said Ethyl Horton, a senior citizen from Morning Sun, IA who claims to make the best coleslaw in the world. Westwood responded by saying “Ethyl’s coleslaw has too much salt in it, it just doesn't taste right” said Westwood “Mine is the best coleslaw in the world, hands down”. Of the 2,500 people interviewed, 100% of them claim to make the worlds greatest coleslaw, 64% of all recipes had some mention of worlds best status in the name of the recipe. “It says right here: ‘Best darn coleslaw ever’” said Anita Murray from Pleasant Plains, IL, pointing at her recipe. Murray also provided researchers with a sample of leftover coleslaw she made for the church picnic last weekend. “Everybody at the church just loves it. Lucy down the street used to have a monopoly on Church coleslaw with her ‘Best in the Midwest’ recipe, but there is no going back now that they've tried mine” she added. The study also revealed that the standard in coleslaw is having a recipe that is equal to or better than the coleslaw made at Kentucky Fried Chicken; 347 people interviewed claimed to have the recipe despite the fact that about 2/3 of the recipes are different. “I just know the coleslaw I make is the same as KFC, I just know it!” said Elma Landen, whose coleslaw is slightly different from her neighbors, who also claims to have the KFC recipe. After all the research and analysis was completed, the researchers concluded their study by determining “All coleslaw is actually vile tasting shit”.

Everybody else should drive like a jackass too

By: Tom Woolworth

Really bad driver.

Every time I go driving somewhere, I always get stuck behind some asshole that drives the speed limit or uses the HOV lane when they have a whole family in their fucking minivan. I can't stand people who use common courtesy and are polite on the road. Everybody else on the road should drive like a jackass too.

A few days ago, I was driving south on I-92 and some dipshit thought it was a good idea to pull in the farthest right lane and only drive 4 MPH over the speed limit. Give it some gas! It’s the pedal on the right motherfucker! I was sure to give him a piece of my mind when I flipped him off after I passed him doing 88. I’m not sure what ever happened to this bastard, but doing 68 in a 65 is a good way to get run off the road. Right after that, I was on a four lane road that turned into 2 lanes and I was behind some piece of shit Honda that was going only 5 miles over the speed limit. I wasn't going to get stuck behind this bozo for the next 2 miles so I just whipped around him on the shoulder doing 65. This asshole got all pissed off and started screaming swear words at me. Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t know how to drive like an asshole as well.

The thing that probably pisses me off the most is those people who use their turn signals when they turn. Whoa, TMI dude. Nobody needs to know where you are going. Nobody. Ever. Why should me or anybody else ever care when you are going to turn. I’m all for free expression and being open about who you are, but when you are driving, it’s important to be selfish and act like you are the only person on the road. Speaking of turns, if you turn doing less than 45, it’s too slow! I don't care if the curb will hit your bumper, suck it up and get a better car. I drive a Chevrolet Suburban and it can take a turn without slowing down. Hell, sometimes I’ll even speed into a turn just to be a pain-in-the-ass to everybody around me. Last week, I turned into a residential neighborhood doing 55 and everything was fine. Who cares if the corner of Ash St. and 7th Ave East doesn't have a stop sign anymore, they have more. As for that kid on a scooter, he’s young, his leg will heal in no time. I’m a fucking moron and if everybody drove like me, the world would be a safer place to live. Hell, I wrote this whole article and submitted it to Ocean To Ocean while I was driving, and only caused 13 minor accident and 2 major ones. Hooray for driving stupid!

Since When is everybody a Grammer Cop?

By Laurie Carson
Grammatically inept in every possible way.

When did evrybody become a grammar cop? It seems like everywhere I look now a days their are people who thrive on correcting grammar and making people like me feel supid. Its annoying. Last night i was on facebook and all i saw was posts from people with little pictures of spelling and grammar mistakes and then the mistake corrected and this make me wonder how stupid that person must feel. There was one picture that said ‘ good grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit’. Like honesty, who cares about the difference between the 2. It doesnt matter and the sentence sounds exactly the same eather way. People need too stop. The part that bothers me the most is the ones that try to act like everybody is just plane dumb if they cant figure out the right form of a word. They’re are way too many forms of words. That makes it difficult to try to wright since you have to figure out which one 2 use. People need too stop. Not everybody is ultra smart alot of people are only average intelligence. The worst part are the people who are bad at spelling, grammar but make a attempt to correct other people and they look dumb. I dont clame to be the best at grammar but im pretty good and i will not correct people because they feel bad. Feeling bad is bad. I dont know why people are so rude. Just chill out and let people express themselves. It really makes no diffrent if u use a different word than the word. It all sounds the same when you say it outloud and if you cant tell the difference on paper you have problems that stem much further than you’re bad grammar. Please just leave ppl alone! now.

News Bits: Week of 2-5-13

Time Traveler surprised to learn Sears is still in business

BOSTON, MA. Time Traveler Johnny Harron from the year 1996, announced surprise Wednesday after learning that department store chain Sears is still in business in the year 2013. “Sears? Really?” asked Harron in an interview “I figured they would be gone by 2005 at the latest, how are they still making money?” he added. Harron came to 2013 to see if we had found a cure for the common headache, but went back to 1996 to inform others about Sears. Harron, who spent an hour looking for a Borders bookstore, was apparently unaware that K-Mart is still in business as well.

Supreme Court ruling on where to go for lunch.

WASHINGTON, DC. The nine justices of the Supreme Court have been spending the last two hours ruling on where to go for lunch. “I think we should go get some Mexican, but Judge Clarence Thomas wants to just pick up something from Sonic” said Chief Justice John Roberts “Oh Fuck it, now Ruth Bader Ginsburg wants Chinese takeout” Chief Justice Roberts added. An inside source reported that Judge Sonia Sotomayor is just going to get some chips out of the Supreme Court vending machine if the Justices can’t ‘make a fucking ruling soon’.

You Smell nice

PROVO, UT. According to a recent study, you smell nice today. Is that a new perfume you are wearing? I like it. What does it smell like? It almost smells like lavender and sandalwood, but I think I sense some cinnamon as well. Reports show that you smelled good yesterday as well, but not as nice as today. The study shows that you smelled like apples yesterday, and the pleasantness wasn't as good, and it wasn't as strong.

World to end on December 31st, according to Gregorian calender

KANSAS CITY, MO. Scientists have predicted that December 31^st, 2012 will be the last day of humanity, as the Gregorian Calender ends on this date. “After looking at Andrews McMeel Printing Company's Cats We Love 2012 deluxe wall calender, we are able to determine that the publishing company predicted the world will end on December” said Dr. Richard Lormrow “There are no more pages of cute, cuddly cats after December, the calender simply ends for no reason” he added. This news doesn't come as a surprise to everybody, with some claiming they knew about this Apocalypse for many months now. “I noticed that the Gregorian calender ends in December when my sister Donna gave me a cat calender for Christmas, but I didn't really think too much of it until other people stated talking about how the Gregorians predicted the world would end on December 31^st and it got me concerned. Now its all I think about” said Mary Wittingsworth. Some concerned citizens have already started planning for the certain Apocalypse, doing such things as stockpiling good, not making any long term plans just going all out apeshit crazy. Police all over the country have already reported that the amount people causing crimes for stupid 'why not' has rose 16% since the doomsday announcement. “The other day a man threw a brick through a church window because 'it wont matter when the world ends in a few days' and church is 'boring as fuck'” said Kansas City police officer Tony Hermenez. Another case occurred in Bowling Green, KY when a man bought a hooker, blindfolded her, spun her around to make her dizzy and disoriented, then left her across state lines in Clarksville 'just for shits and giggles'. “It was so funny! She was so confused and she had no idea where she was. I've always wanted to do something like that and with the world ending on December 31^st, it doesn't matter what I do anymore” said Kyle Harrowfield. A few people have gone as far as to throw out end of the world theories, most saying the calender also ended on December 31^st 2011, but nothing ever occurred.  

News Bits: Week of 11/08

High School student eats first Lunchable since 4^th grade.

RUTLAND, VT. Katie Drathkin, a senior at Rutland High School, just ate a Lunchable for the first time in eight years, her Facebook reports. “Just ate my first lunchable since like the 4th grade! :P” Drathkin said earlier today. Most of her friends were startled by hearing this. “Lunchables were invented many years after the Vietnam War ended” said Larson Kessler, a friend of Drathkin. It is unknown when Drathkin will consume another lunchable, but sources say it will likely be in 4-6 more years.

Man with frequent customer card asked if he's been here before
FRESNO, CA. Eric Amsten, a Fresno area furniture salesman, was asked if he had ever been to get a sub at Downtown Ned's Tasty Subs, after he was presented his punch card which contained 7 punches, only 5 away from a free deluxe combo meal. “Have you ever eaten our subs before?” saked Ashley McMurry, the person who made the turkey sub after Amsten made his purchase. “I'm not sure if she saw my punch card or not, but she wasn't making anybody else a sub, so I'm sure she had a good chance to see the punch card” said Amsten. Amsten answed “Yes, I have been here before” then left the shop with a confused look on his face.



Pacific Coast states renamed “Democrat Belt”
WEST COAST, USA. After the 2012 Presidential election, the West Coast states, including California, Oregon, and Washington have been renamed the Democrat Belt by locals. “I voted for Obama since he has no money and Romney has a lot” said Madison Kelly, a liberal from California who voted for the first time on Nov. 6^th. Residents from all three states are in favor of the name change saying it well help identify their part of the country. “This ought to keep those nasty, rich, successful Republicans out of here” said Kenny Lancaster, an Obama supporter from Washington. After seeing this change, the states of Wisconsin  Iowa, South Dakota and Nebraska are planning on calling themselves the Casserole Belt.