Every Coleslaw Recipe Is The “Worlds Greatest”, Study Finds

KANSAS CITY, KS. Researchers at the University of Kansas food and consumption department recently conducted a study showing that every coleslaw recipe in existence is the ‘best damn’ coleslaw recipe ever. Researchers interviewed 2,500 people age 40-90 in small towns all across the Midwest and analyzed the recipes and talked to the recipe holder to find out if their coleslaw is the best. “Jan [Westwood] makes some pretty scrumptious coleslaw, but mine is the best in the world” said Ethyl Horton, a senior citizen from Morning Sun, IA who claims to make the best coleslaw in the world. Westwood responded by saying “Ethyl’s coleslaw has too much salt in it, it just doesn't taste right” said Westwood “Mine is the best coleslaw in the world, hands down”. Of the 2,500 people interviewed, 100% of them claim to make the worlds greatest coleslaw, 64% of all recipes had some mention of worlds best status in the name of the recipe. “It says right here: ‘Best darn coleslaw ever’” said Anita Murray from Pleasant Plains, IL, pointing at her recipe. Murray also provided researchers with a sample of leftover coleslaw she made for the church picnic last weekend. “Everybody at the church just loves it. Lucy down the street used to have a monopoly on Church coleslaw with her ‘Best in the Midwest’ recipe, but there is no going back now that they've tried mine” she added. The study also revealed that the standard in coleslaw is having a recipe that is equal to or better than the coleslaw made at Kentucky Fried Chicken; 347 people interviewed claimed to have the recipe despite the fact that about 2/3 of the recipes are different. “I just know the coleslaw I make is the same as KFC, I just know it!” said Elma Landen, whose coleslaw is slightly different from her neighbors, who also claims to have the KFC recipe. After all the research and analysis was completed, the researchers concluded their study by determining “All coleslaw is actually vile tasting shit”.