Politician is worst person in the world, according to other politician

CHARLESTON, SC. Todd Hughman (R-WV) is the worst politician and overall worst person in the whole wide world, according to his opponent, Chase Johnson (D-WV). Johnson claims that Hughman cant be trusted to be in the senate. “Todd Hughman has a record of mismanagement, he voted to raise taxes for the poor three times, is a member of a group to eliminate veterans benefits and just last week, he kicked a ladies dog because it was barking, this is the kind of person that shouldn't be in politics at all” said a recent Johnson campaign ad bashing Hughman “Chase Johnson was raised in a traditional family, has a traditional family, and traditional family values. He has never once kicked a dog or purposely farted on a baby in public” the ad continued with. Hughman was pretty hesitant to respond to the attacks, saying he doesn't want to get involved in dirty politics, but after learning that pretty much all politics are dirty, he released his own attack ad against Johnson “Johnson voted with Obama on healthcare and there was this one time at a bar in Myrtle Beach when he started hitting on a women who told him she was married, then there was a biker he didn't like so Johnson filled his gas tank with sugar”. Residents of South Carolina say that they don’t really care who wins as long as the stupid ads stop playing soon.

Hair Complement Forecast

Make sure your hair looks nice if you live in an area expecting lots of complements this week.

News bits: Week of 6/25

Did I pass up the mushrooms?

BOULDER, CO. ”Did I already pass up the mushrooms?” Jim Schneider asked himself this as he walked down aisle 3 at the local Supermarket. “I can’t remember if they are down this aisle or not and I hate to turn around and check again” he added. After 5 minutes, he asked somebody and learned that the mushrooms were indeed at the end of the aisle, causing him to turn around back the way he came. He did, however, have trouble later finding the orange juice concentrate.

Local student hates school

WORCHESTER, MA. Local 3rd Grader Aaron Hamilton shocked the school Tuesday when he announced he dislikes school. “I hate stupid school, I have to wake up early, the hallway smells bad, and Ms. Taylor gives way too much homework” he said. The school later said “It is horrible when a student would not like school, everybody loves coming to school”. Hamilton later –said that the one thing about school he does enjoy is recess.

Conan O’Brien supports Romney

CARROLTON, GA. Late night talk-show host Conan O’Brien has thrown his support behind Republican candidate Mitt Romney. “Mitt is a really swell person” said O’Brien. Upon learning about this, Romney had this to say “Shit! I am already losing to Obama, now this?” Romney has also threatened to pick Jeb Bush as a campaign partner if O’Brien doesn’t end his support “Conan, dude. Nobody likes you, you aren’t funny. Leave me alone or I’m telling on you.” Romney later said.

Can of whoop-ass about to be opened

BEREA, SC. A local dad Walter McMahon is about to open a can of whoop-ass on local resident Jimmy Edgewood (17)for kissing his step-daughter when he said not too. Caitlin Jenkins (17) invited Edgewood over to her house to watch TV and her dad eventually left to go to the store, but not before telling Edgewood to 'keep his hands' off Jenkins. “My Dad ran out of beer so he made a quick run to the Go-Mart and I figured it would be a little 'alone time' for me and Jimmy” said Jenkins in an interview “ I guess he forgot something so he headed back home and opened the front door when we were on the couch kissing” she added. McMahon reportedly stared yelling at Edgewood to stay away from his step-daughter, in which he responded by running out the back door toward the street without any shoes on. “Next time I see that boy, ima open a can of whoop-ass on him” McMahon said after Edgewood left the property. Jenkins stated that her dad bought 3 cans of whoop-ass last year when it went on sale at the store, and two of the can have already been used up. When asked about the three cans of whoop-ass, McMahon began to explain what the first two were used for, “I used up one when that no-good asshole next door kept letting his dogs shit on my grass and the other can was used just last week when the backhoe moron at the excavation company was diggin' a pool across the alley and he dropped a load of dirt on my ol' engine blocks sittin' out back. Man was I pissed, he definitely got his ass handed to him that day” People in the neighborhood also report that McMahon has quite the temper with people he doesn’t like. “That old boy Walter loves his step-daughter like nobody else, so it doesn’t surprise me that he will whoop somebody’s ass for her” said Judy Newman, a long time neighbor of McMahon and Jenkins for 8 years. At press time Edgewood was unable to be found by anyone.

(ABOVE) The Can of whoop-ass that is about to be opened.

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