Parents Give Child Normal Name

UTICA, NY. Jean and Arnold Brownson just gave birth to a baby boy last Tuesday named John, that’s right, the Brownsons gave their child a normal name, the first reported case of this in over 4 years. With names like Brooklyn, Payton, Zoey, Bentley, and the ever horrible McKenna gaining in popularity, it's becoming harder to find normal names given to children. “We {my husband and I} thought that John was a nice name, and a name that you don’t hear very much anymore so we wanted our child to have a nice name” said Jean Brownson “We want our kid to not hate us in the future for the name we gave him” she added. Many friends of the Brownsons are critical of their choice, calling it lackluster and just downright boring. “John is a stupid name” said Lauri Norcomb, who has a three year old son named Nixon “I just think that parents should be adventurous and come up with fun names” added Norcomb, after giving Nixon her phone to play with. With some friends on the defense about normal names, a few neighbors have been pretty vocal about how nice it is for a change. The Brownsons were talking to there elderly neighbor about the name the other day, and she was very happy to hear about the normal name, “I'm glad that some people are still coming up with normal names. My daughter just had a baby boy the other day and she named him Rain; what kind of name is that? Rain is something that falls from the sky, it ain’t no person's name” said Vi Bennett, a neighbor of the Brownsons. The Brownsons have said they did consider other names ahead of time such as Richard or Jeremy, but thought John would be a nice name that the kid wont hate for the rest of his life.

U.S. complaints, by state

News bits: week starting 8/16

Country musician writes song about love

CHEYANNE, WY. Local country singer Myron Billings wrote and sang a country song about a woman. “I had my heart broken by a woman about a year ago, so I wanted to be unique and write a country song about it” said Billings. This is the first time that a country song was written about a woman since most are written about long summer days and honey badgers. Billings also has written a unique song about working hard.

Time away from Family spent bitching about family

COOS BAY, OR. Local resident Derek Winton (19) complains about his family way too much when he isnt around them, his friends report. “He bitches about how his Dad tells stupid jokes and how his younger Brother always leaves his bike halfway in the garage, ensuring the door always closes on it” says Wintons best friend Timothy Haffner (20) “I get really sick of hearing him bitch about it all the time” Haffner added. Winton reportedly tries to get away from his “pain-in-the-ass” family whenever possible but since his friends don't want to be around him when he bitches, it has become very difficult.

Woman checks weather on smart phone while the weather report is on the news

SAGINAW, MI. Margie Westbrook (41), a stay at home Mom, reportedly checked the radar on her new I Phone at the same time that WNEM-TV weather reporter Lauren Fahrenkrug was showing the live up-to-date weather map for the area. “I wanted to see if my sister up in Midland was getting any rain where she was at since it is dry as a bone here” said Westbrook. She was alereted to the fact the weather was on TV when her husband stated that Mt. Pleasent was getting a lot of lightening. Even after hearing this, Westbrook continued to look at her phone. As it turned out, her sister up in Midland wasn't getting any rain.

Area man loves Almond Joy, but hates Mounds

FLAGSTAFF, AZ. Local resident Josh Galaff (28) shocked his friends and co-workers when he told them he loves Almond Joy, but hates Mounds, a scenerio which is common the other way around. “I dont know, Almond Joy is just better” said Galaff. His friends discovered this when he asked one of them to pick up some Alomond Joy, but got mounds by accident. “I dont get it” said Mitch Nensam, a good friend of Galaff's “Mounds is a more basic verson of Almond Joy, how could you not like a verson that is more simple?” Nensam added. Galaff did reportedly eat one Mounds bar, but said he really didnt want one at all. 

Taco Bell introduces laxative

LOUISVILLE, KY. Taco Bell has just announced the newest item on its ever expanding menu, an over night laxative to get rid of the regular constipation usually brought on by their food. A box of 150 tablets of the new laxative sells for $5.99 at most stores. “We have been trying to address the concern our customers have about how our food reacts inside their digestion system, and we think the new laxatives handle the problem very well” said David Novac, CEO of Yum Brands, the parent company of Taco Bell. A select group of test markets have already gotten to experience the new selection, and so far the public reaction has been positive. Ocean to Ocean caught up to a few of the customers in front of a Taco Bell in Duquesne, Pennsylvania − one of the test markets − to get reactions to the new product. “Its really a time saver to buy some food than have something to solve the problem of it fucking up my digestive tract” said Rick Medford, 23 “Props to Taco Bell for being smart enough to introduce one stop eating” he added. Another customer had a completely different reaction to the laxative “Why does Taco Bell care? Sure, there food makes it hurt to shit for a week, but it isn’t any of there business weather I suffer or not” said Randy Yumek, 31. We tried to get a follow up statement from Yumek, but he immediately ran off to the restroom for an hour. Within one week of the product being available in the test market, sales have have been a success for the company. Responding to the laxative, McDonald’s has announced that it will begin adding Metamucil to all its drinks in the next month.

ABOVE: A 150 count box of Taco Bell's new laxative.

News Bits: Week of 8/7

Unemployment rises due to laziness

WASHINGTON, DC. The latest job report states that the unemployment rate has gone up again, this time due to people being too lazy to get jobs. “This is really depressing, there are plenty of jobs around, but people would rather sit at home and drink beer than work” said White House economic adviser Alan Krueger. “ I would work, but my Dad lets me live here rent free, and the TV networks keep making too many good shows” said Kevin Huntsfield, 43. People expected unemployment to go down in the summer when all the good shows go into reruns for a few months, but they weren't reruns to some people.

Coca-Cola™ introduces Coke™ with crack

ATLANTA, GA. Drink manufacturer Coca-Cola™ has introduced a version of their classic beverage with a hint of crack. Coke™ with crack is expected to hit test markets next month. “We think the new drink combines the great smooth taste of Coca-Cola™ with the rough body altering of crack” said a company spokesperson. People are excited about the new drink and expect to enjoy the great taste and power of crack all in one.

School is not “cool”

SEATTLE, WA. The results of a recent study show just what most expected; School isn’t as cool as many have previously thought. “For years, many have thought the phrase ‘School is Cool’ is true, but we now know that there are things much cooler” said Professor Knoll. The study says that things such as going to the mall and having relations with people are much cooler and should be done more than going to school.